Saturday, May 01, 2004

I am fucking tired of the shit that I have been put through lately. This semester has been the semester from hell. Its my senior semester! I'm suppose to be having fun, enjoying the fact that I'm leaving this place, and instead it was hell. I had to deal with Brian and his shit in the beginning of the semester, then later on in the semester and I'm still dealing with it. Him and Jackie are back together and its bullshit to me right now. I'm just pissed off about that, about everything. My thesis became crap in my mind, I didn't get into any honors organizations on campus, I barely got honors in my major, and this school has just screwed me over one too many times. It was worse then high school.

Ugh...I just hate everything and anything right now. Anything can possibly set me off. I've been bottling up so many emotions lately, its not even funny. People think I'm depressed but that's only because I'd rather look upset then pissed off. I'm angry with myself, how things have turned out, the past year, everything.

Its better then to be depressed. Because I would not be able to function.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Did I make a huge mistake? Well either way I wouldn't be able to avoid it. But still. What the hell did I do? Basically now Amy wants to be a part of SCA and its great, she can make friends, have a new hobby but on the other hand she embarassed me multiple times last night. There are certain things that you just don't say out loud in front of people you just met and you have no clue what they know about me. I'm not pissed but still, it was a little embarassing. She just doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. And now she has even more reason to be around me and annoy me. I feel bad for wanting to avoid her and all but I can only take so many doses of her in one week. I passed my limit last night when it was just the two of us. Its better when we have the whole group there because then she's not just on me all the time. But alone with her I just can't do it for that long. I was trying to get her to do her own thing and leave me alone but she didn't. I'm just afraid of what I've done now that she wants to start going and all. Its mean to say these things but its how I feel towards her. She just annoys me in that way. I don't know. I would have much rather enjoyed having Rae there and plus Rae is getting better. Amy has not improved since the day I met her. Its still all about her and she's always saying things that aren't appropriate to the conversation at hand. Joses and Josh were busting on her in their own little quiet way. I could catch onto it only because I know them well enough now. And then when I'm talking about Ty, she's all introduce him to me, introduce him to me. Plus now I think I've lost something that was kind of mine. My hobby. But yeah, I can't sit there and act like I own it. I've been needing somewhere I can run to just to have to myself and now I think I've lost it to her. Same as The Dawning. She took that and ran with it. I've just had too much of her I guess.
There are things in her that remind me of myself too. I know I use to be the way she is but I've learned and grown away from being in that mental state of always having things about myself. And I know I use to be loud and say inappropriate things but I've learned from that too. So why hasn't she? People tell her to stop doing some of the things she does but she's still doing them. I don't know. Oyi. The things that people do.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Well my post in livejournal really upset my mother. I can see how she was upset about a few things since yeah, I'm like her, we take things way too personally too quickly. Oh well. Its done and over with. I said things that I think needed to be said and that's it. Mel said I made it sound like my childhood was this horrible thing when in reality it wasn't. I just don't like that neighborhood at all. I hate it. That whole school district pisses me off. And plus being there depresses me now since I have no real friends there and nothing much to accomplish goal wise. But it ends up that the guy they are considering for Jon's position at work is young and really cute. So I may be considering this whole working back there this summer. I don't know really. I'm just afraid of making decisions lately since I haven't been doing so hot lately in that area.
Met a real cutie last night. Another gamer but what can you do. He's in SCA, been in it only a few months longer than myself. He's a rapier fighter and lives in Roanoke. Moved down here from Boston since his old job was kind of cutting down his hours and a buddy of his offered a nice job down there. Comic book store geek, nonetheless. He was nice to talk to. Hoping to strike up more convos in his direction since he'll be frequenting our neck of the woods every Wednesday now. The canton in Roanoke doesn't have an official marshall and since they are an official group, they can't have practices without the marshall there. This is nice for me since he gets to go to ours all the time hehehe.
I really don't try for these guys. They just fall into my lap when I least expect it. Like Ty for instance. Its kind of bad of me to be this way but I can't help it. I'm a woman.
Had the strangest dream in relation to Matt too. Well first off I was in physics lab and there happen to be a shower there so I could shower after lab even though physics lab isn't really like that. Then I was driving with some people in my car. I am suppose to meet Joses for bowling. I go to say goodbye to Mark and he kisses me. Well first I kiss him on the cheek then he grabs me and lays one on me. I tried to back off because Matt was standing there. Mark gets a classroom somewhere with couches and wants to show us a powerpoint of some kind. Lindsey is there and she sits on the other end of the classroom while I cuddling up with Matt on the couch and Mark is in the middle of the room with a projector. There is another girl and guy on the couch with us and Mark starts the powerpoint. It has nothing to do with SCA. It was pictures of women in lingerie or a bunch of people partying. Then someone knocks on the door and its Shayna directing a bunch of guys in garb who I recognized sort of. It was kind of cartoonish because each of their names would pop up under them as they walked in. And I could just remember how comfortable it was with Matt and cuddling up together on that couch. And that was it. I woke up. Weird. ::shaking head::
Okay nobody showed up yet again and so I shall head out.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

My mother has brought an option to the table. Dan has asked me to come back and work for him this summer. Advantage: I have a job for the summer that pays well and good hours. Disadvantage: I'll be back home and if I get into VCU then I will be in moving transition again and if I don't get in, then I'll be looking for a lab job for the next year or so down here.
So now I have to consider what I want to do. I really can't give a definite answer unless I have an idea with VCU. If I do get into there, then yeah, fine, I'll work for him for the summer. But if I don't, that's only a temporary job and I need something to keep me occupied for a little longer than that.
All these fucking decisions I have to make. I'm getting so confused about so many things right now. Its not even personal shit anymore even though that's still a factor right now.
I'm getting back into my state of confusion and loneliness. I don't really want to make these decisions right now. Physically I'm not with it right now either. This cold is kicking my ass. And now I'm getting concerned because I've gotten sick too many times lately. And I think there's another problem that was resolved and now its back again in a way. Ugh! Can't I be healthy??!!

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Oyi. I'm sick. I can feel it. I think either my antics of Friday night are catching up with me or this is just a normal run of the mill cold. I hate it. I have my thesis to work on and instead I'm sitting in my room huddled up a blanket trying to keep awake despite my 10 hours from last night.

I think there is something going on right now that people don't want to let me know about. I just have this paranoia that Brian and Jackie are back together and I kind of think its true. Don't know why. I just feel that way.

A part of me will be happy this is true because this means that I was right about a lot of things. But of course another part of me will be very pissed and upset because then I'll feel used. I was just his temporary fix until he figured out his true feelings for Jackie. I'm just unsure about the whole situation.

I wrote this whole thing about the guys and how their actions along with certain others have really been uncalled for. Considering someone who was their friend is now going to transfer to be back home because of their bullshit antics in his direction. It just pisses me off slightly. I honestly don't give a shit about any of them but its just really immature shit.

Okay I'm done. Going to spend more lazy time I guess since I'm not doing anything tonight.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I figured something out. I didn't trust Brian because he didn't tell me everything in relation to Jackie. He never told me about her asking him to come over and watch movies with her until the beginning of this semester. He never told me when he called her or what they talked about. He just kept their friendship a secret in relation to me. That's why I never trusted him with either her or the other girls. Its not that I need to know everything, its just like he was leading a double life or something.

I wonder if that makes sense now.

Another thing I've realized I've done and I shouldn't have but I am still letting Adam and Brian's opinions of me affect how I view myself. Weird. So that's something to think about too.

I am Donnie, from "Donnie Darko." I'm
pretty troubled, yes.

Which Random Cult Movie Character are you?
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Thursday, March 18, 2004

I think you know you are addicted when you have no money and yet you still go and do something. Played some DDR and Time Crisis 3 today. Was actually doing better then last time I went. Guess the brain freeze from before was not helping me. Or was it the lack of sleep that was helping me today? Hmph...but still had fun. Needed to get it out of my system. Going to probably play again next week sometime. I have plenty of tokens since somehow I think I ended up with $15 worth instead of $10. Unless that's the deal. Don't know.
I'm kind of torn about movies right now. There's like five movies out that I want to see. Well The Last Samaruai is at the dollar and I want to watch that again. But that can wait till next week sometime like Tuesday. Then there's Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, Taking Lives, and Dawn of the Dead. I don't think Mel will go to either one since the first is a thinker, and the last two are thrillers/horror movies. She's not too keen on them. But I have to see another zombie movie and Jim Carey is suppose to be great in Sunshine along with Kate Winslet, and I just love Angelina Jolie...oooh...those lips...sorry, lesian moment. Choices!
Next weekend is the Dawning benefit. Suppose to have some great bands play and I've been needing a good night out like this. I can't wait. Some nice dancing, Atomic Box, more dancing, possibly picking up a hot guy (wishful thinking), etc.
Speaking of men. Ty. He's fun, I love talking to him about deep and meaningful/thought provoking things but he's just friend material. There's really not much potential for much else. I feel bad but that's how I feel. I guess a part of it is he reminds me of John in certain ways. And he treats me like a goddess which John did at times. I think he's crushing on me too. And I don't know what to do if he tried anything.
And I don't think its a whole "still not over Brian" thing. I mean yeah that's a factor, hence the reason I'm only looking into hook-up potentials when it comes to guys. I want nothing more, nothing meaningful right now. Just fun, no strings attached. That could be a part of the reason I've been looking at Adam the way I have lately. Whole new part of the story there.
Basically realized how much of his friendship that I miss. But he was also a damn great kisser. And he liked kissing. Not like Brian. He only kissed me like that when I asked. I'm a kisser. I enjoy it a lot. Hence the tongue piercing. Oral fixation, people!
Yeah I'm slightly horny. Could be a part of my tiredness. Pent up energy that's needing to be released.
Oyi. The things inside my head lately.

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